Valentine Schmalentine

Each night I've been watching The Nanny. This week since it's almost VD, Fran Drescher who played Fran Fine on the series is hosting the marathon of re-runs. I love this show. The butler, Niles, is hilarious. But the main point of the show is for Mr. Sheffield to fall for Fran, and then to make a commitment to her. She is determined that he will come around, and of course, he does. As corny and unrealistic as it is, I love it.

I'd like to fast forward through tomorrow and hit play on Monday morning. Valentine's Day can be depressing without someone to love. But if we really look around, hopefully we do have people to love and who love us back. Our children, friends, family, and co-workers won't take the place of a significant other. However, they'll be there for us throughout various stages of our lives. Anyway, I'm trying not to allow VD to weaken me.

As I walked by the couch today, my husband slightly reached out his hand toward me. I pulled my hand in towards me as I walked by. It was tempting just to touch his hand. But then that will just delay the flight plan. The fight-or-flight response is the body's response to a threat. I must remember that, and that in any way letting him perceive that there is hope for our relationship is just another flight delay.

I bought him nothing for tomorrow. My son told me my husband bought me a heart shaped box of chocolates. Seriously, I have been straight forward. I have not mumbled. But he still doesn't want to grasp this situation. I plan on taking the kids and leaving for as much time as possible tomorrow. This situation is just not easy.

I heard a great song this week though. It's by Alicia Keys. A song about pressing forward, being strong, no matter what comes. The chorus is this:

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

We have to be strong even when we don't feel like it. Even when our lives are hard and lonely, we must be strong. Gotta keep moving on...

Mattress Drama

I am tired. My back aches. I need a bed to sleep in. I'm exhausted from living in the same house with a man I no longer love. A divorce is my goal. I don't know what will happen after that. I know most people will think I am evil. That cannot stop me. I need a bed. I need peace in my own home.

He sleeps in the bed every night. He never offers to take the couch. I cannot sleep in the same bed as him. I do not want him to touch me, or really to talk to me. I just want out. I woke up last night and was so uncomfortable that I got in bed with my daughter in her twin sized bed. I slept on my side. lol Not so cozy. Anyway, this morning he wakes me up.

He stands beside the bed gently shaking me, saying, go get in our bed. I said, no,I'm fine. I would rather do many unspeakable things than to admit to him that I am in pain, or would really like to have the bed. Not having the bed just reminds me daily of the goal. After he tried to get me to go to the other bed, he touched my face and told me he missed me.

I said nothing. I wanted to lash out and say mean things to him. But, I don't want to be mean, I just want him to go on his merry way. His touch made my skin crawl. I am done. I am moving ahead with this. After he left for work, I got up and went to the other bed. I thought it would feel good. It was comfortable, but it smelled like him. His scent was on the pillows and sheets. It was on the quilt we were given as a moving gift last year.

I remember when I was young, my mom would "sun" the mattresses every spring. She would drag her mattress out on the front porch, lean it against the columns of the porch and let it set for awhile. Then she would turn it. I'm not sure why she did this. Maybe it was supposed to kill dust mites, air it out, I really don't know. I recall many times helping her drag it out there.

My mattress like my life needs to be sunned. It is hard to do alone though. Divorce proceedings, like mattresses are heavy things. Both can be carried out without much support, but both are much easier when the load is lightened a bit by people that want to help. I am thankful for the people I have in my life that are supportive.

Now I just need a good supportive mattress...