I believe the attachment to my parents, with my father in particular, is best described as an avoidant attachment. That makes me feel guilty to even say that. My father believed in working hard and he felt others should do the same. However, he was very demanding of those around him. I have no memory of my father ever telling me that he loved me or that he was proud of anything I had accomplished. He either said nothing or criticized me. I remember once showing him a spelling test that I had made a 100% on and he asked if I could not have done any better. This was his form of teasing, but some encouragement or support along the way could have made a huge difference in how I felt about myself.

Another memory I have is of my high school English teacher, Mr. McCarty, sending my parents a postcard at the end of my junior year. He spoke of my great attitude and willingness to participate. He said I was a joy to have in class. I found this postcard in the junk drawer of the kitchen cabinet that summer. I remember reading it and knowing that what Mr. McCarty thought of me must not be true if my parents had not even told me about receiving the postcard. I threw it away. I threw away a Super Scholar’s plaque I received the same year.

Because of the avoidant attachment with my parents, I felt I had little value. I dated people who I felt I deserved. I dated a guy who had dropped out of school, and another that went to serve his sentence by going to jail on the weekends. I had no supervision as a teen. I had sex with men because I felt like I did not have the right to say no. When I dated, I gave myself away bit by bit, like a pile of sand that is carried away by the wind a few grains at a time.

I have been married for ten years. I married someone that I probably should not have. When he asked me to marry him, I felt the same way I did when I had sex with men that I did not particularly want to. I thought he was “good enough” for me. It has gotten more and more stressful as time has gone by. I have always had a difficult time with people being close to me. I hide my emotions and hurts and pretend I do not need much of anything.

I wish that I knew that I did have value and that I had the right to my own opinion when I dated. I also wish I would have known that I should not feel obligated to have sex because it was the “nice thing” to do. I remember as a teen giving in to peer pressure in many different aspects because I felt like what I wanted, truly did not matter. It is difficult to know what advice should be given to teens before they begin to date. I remember a few people trying to talk me out of dating a certain person or about marrying my husband. I felt like they meant well, but they did not understand that the right guy would never want me. I settled.

This is ironic, but the line I would not allow guys I dated to cross, was them speaking negatively about themselves. I encouraged each person I dated. I tried to convince them they had good qualities. One guy I dated listened to negative self-image type music continuously. We always argued over what music to listen to. I repeatedly told him that listening to all those songs that reinforced his aversion to himself was not healthy. Was I attracted to men who had poor self-esteem because of my own self-deprecation?