truckers and stereotyping in general

Truckers seem to be manly. What does manly mean exactly? Does manly mean being strong and confident? Or does it mean you chew tobacco and swallow the juice and wear red suspenders everywhere you go? That would depend on the trucker.

Wow. I was just thinking of what I should talk about next and I had a flashback of when I was 16. I was 'in love' with a trucker. Was I in love with a trucker? No.I guess not. But I truly believe that was the closest I have been to being in love. He was older than me. Obviously. We had sex a few times. I was soooo naive. He made me anxious. I actually shook when I was around him. Especially when we were about to have sex. I remember shaking and he asked me if I was nervous. I said, "No. Just a little cold." Did he know I was lying? Of course he did. He was very experienced. I was not. If we were skiers, I would be on the bunny slope and he would have been an Olympic skier. If we were car drivers, I would have been in the bumper cars at the county fair and he would have been a Nascar race car driver.

His trucker handle was... "Donkey". Hmmm... He was confident, very confident. He was strong. He looked good. He was manly. He didn't wear suspenders or trucker hats or chew tobacco. He excited me. He taught me many things. Lots of things. lol Sometimes he was an ass, but I think that was because he didn't want me to think we were going to have a 'happily ever after'.

He seemed like such a stud, a take charge kind of guy. Is that why I'm still fantasizing about truckers and take charge kind of guys? Gosh. See, fantasy IS better than reality. You know why? Because now he's married and he's a wimp. Well, that's my opinion anyway. But maybe he isn't such a strong confident person with his wife because she isn't sixteen and naive. From the outside looking in, he isn't so confident now. I've really only seen them together about 4 times. I am friends with his sister though and she tells me things. His wife decides everything. He's depressed and unhappy.

Why aren't they happy? Why am I not happy in my relationship? Here's the thing: to be happy, I think we need someone who loves and understands us, even accepts us. That does not mean, however, that we agree with everything our partner thinks or says. When one partner gives up too much of themselves to the other person, life loses some of the spark. The reality of dire straights is never pretty. What happened to the fantasy where life was going to be wonderful?

What happens when our fantasies and dreams never happen? Langston Hughes wrote different poems about dreams. One he simply calls Dreams. It is this:

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

What happens to our dreams? Better yet, what happens to us when we stop dreaming? I believe we begin to atrophy. We should believe in hope. Hope in truckers,no, maybe not. Hope in individuals that can make our fantasies a reality seems like a much better plan. And hope that somewhere there are couples who figure this out.

worthless?

I heard a new song that I love. It's by Orianthi. It's called "According to You". Here's a link to the song and video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu1aQvm5MrU So anyway, this song is all about two different men's perspectives on the same woman. According to one guy, she's stupid and useless, etc. According to another guy, she's beautiful and incredible. It's a great song and I think I like it so much because it speaks to me about where I am in my life now.

Well, except I don't have the second guy yet. But I think he's out there. Here's where I am. I am married, soon to be divorced. I have been straight forward and honest with my husband. I am finished. He, however is being as manipulative as ever. Sunday he talked to someone, he told them I was worthless. Worthless? That's what he said.

Monday morning he woke me up before he went to work, asking me if I was ok. He told me he loved me and was hoping for a miracle. I didn't say much. I wanted to ask him why he wanted to stay with a worthless woman. But I'm not going there. I'm just waiting, biding my time. I was in JROTC in high school. I remember learning to mark time. Marching in place, legs moving without going forward. That's what I am doing now. Soon it will happen. A few of the circumstances of my life have to catch up with me as I mark time. Then we are marching on.

more on the theology of The Wizard of Oz

In the former post, I talked about Dorothy. I talked about how she had the power to go home all
along. But what about Scarecrow, Cowardly Lion, and Tin Man? They all made their way to the
wizard. They were all rejected by the wizard. They prevailed. They came back. They rebounded.
Then they told the wizard what they wanted. They shared their deepest wishes with the wizard.
What was on their wish list? Scarecrow: a brain; Cowardly Lion: courage; Tin Man: a heart. Did
they get their wishes granted? Not really. They benefited from the placebo effect. The "great
and powerful Oz" tried to tell them that they already had all these things. He tried to tell them
these were things that were internal and not things you could get externally. Did they listen? No. It went over their heads and they just repeated their wish lists. So to pacify them, he gave them
the illusion of what they asked for. He gave the Scarecrow an honorary degree of thinkology. He
gave the Lion a badge of courage. He gave the Tin Man a heart shaped clock on a lanyard that he
could wear around his neck.
If we're looking for brains, courage or heart, we must look inside. I have been like all three of
these characters. I have felt like I wasn't smart enough to go back to college. I went back and
have made A's and B's. I have lacked courage in many areas of my life. I try to avoid conflict as
much as is humanly possible. This has many times created more problems for me than if I had
faced the problem right off the bat. This is something I must work on. Heart troubles are
different. I think sometimes we can be too empathetic. Is this possible? I am thinking yes. We
should love and care for our neighbors and fellow man (male and female). However, sometimes
we do this so much that we forget we have needs. Or we notice we have needs but decide we'll
take care of our own needs later on. Then somehow, we never do.
Instead of waiting for a wizard to tell us to look inwardly for what we need, we need to work on
figuring it out on our own. And like Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man........ we wouldn't listen anyway.

How many of us are insecure about some areas of our lives? Lots. How many of us are insecure about almost all areas of our lives? Lots. Fear of the unknown holds us back. Fear of how people will react toward us prevents us from doing some monumental things. Fear cripples us. We must forge ahead, through the fear, through the reactions of those that judge us. I have been chained up for years, like a dog tied to his dog house. The dog can only go so far and then goes back to his house. The dog sometimes gets excited when a car goes by or he sees something he'd like to check out that is beyond the length of his chain. He goes for it. He runs forward and is abruptly halted when the slack in the chain is gone. The chain is pulled tight and sometimes the dog keeps trying to plunge ahead. It's all to no avail though. At the end of the day, the dog is still tied.

It is amazing to me that I have been chained all this time, and then come to realize I have had the power to get out of the chains throughout these years. The key to the handcuffs was hidden in a safe place the whole time. It was even within my reach. I just forgot that I had the power to use the key. It is kind of like Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz'. After all her trials and persucutions, her struggles to go home, the good witch tells Dorothy,"Click your heels together three times and say There's no place like home." She then tells Dorothy that she has had the power to go home the whole time. Dorothy asks the good witch why she hadn't told her that before. The good witch then replies, "You wouldn't have believed me."

Sometimes it is because of our insecurities that we have to learn things the hard way. People may say nice things to us. They may speak words of encouragement, but it is hard to grasp what people are saying. It's like when you're between sleep and being awake and someone tells you something. You heard a mumbling. You know they said something to you, but, for the life of you, you can't figure out what they just said. We struggle. We pull the chain tight. we face the wicked witches and the man behind the curtain who made us believe he was a wizard. Then we remember, "Oh yeah, I've got the key to get out of this." I have insecurities. Lots of them. But I am moving on.