first date since the big D

OK, Here we go. I went to a bar alone. I met a guy. We connected. We danced. We laughed. We flirted. We kissed. It was amazing. He asked me out for this weekend IF his kids are at their mom's. That's not ideal, I know, but I have kids, and I understand this. I really do. He called tonight, and explained this. He said I hope you won't be upset if we can't go out this Friday. I told him I had kids and I would understand.

Today was a crazy run non-stop day. It was a day that was spent almost completely in the car. When Frank( I'll call him Frank til I find out if he is or not) and I were talking tonight, he asked me about my day. I told him how it was busy, and I didn't go to the gym today. He said, "From what I could tell Friday night, it didn't look or feel like you need to worry about going to the gym". I told him my cholesterol level needed me to go to the gym. If he was here in person though, and he would have said that to me, I probably would have stripped naked and given myself to him. Haha. I know, I know, I know, I must keep going to the gym. I gotta stay on the plan, but it was so nice to be touched the other night. Touched and complimented, now that's a good combination.

My lips are actually getting chapped, because I keep licking them, remembering him kissing me. It's been a couple years since I have been kissed. It's been almost that long since I have had sex. And it's been many years, since I've danced and been held close, in a man's arms. It felt soooo good there. I put my hands under the arms of his t-shirt and touched his upper arms. It felt very intimate and personal. He is a construction worker. I know I've talked about another construction worker before. But he's gone now. Nothing ever happened there. Something is happening with Frank, though. There was a connection between us. We told each other a few dark secrets, and wondered why it was so easy to. I do not know how long this connection will last.

This bar that we met in used to be a rough place. I had not been there in about 15 years. He had not been there in about 13 years. Then on the same night, we decide to go check it out. It is much nicer now. Much. Haha. Here's the thing. I am not the same person who used to hang out in that bar. He lives in the town where the bar is, so I am hoping that if he talks about me, no blasts from the past remember me. We'll see. I am not going to dwell on this, or make a mountain out of a molehill. :)

I am really hoping that we go out and have fun, and kiss and touch each other. Another snag in this is that we live about 2 hours apart. He asked me where I wanted to go on a date and I told him I'd choose the town and he would choose what we did. I'm not sure why, but I am glad the planning is on him. I want him to be in control of a few things. I want to ride in his truck and feel his arm touching me as he changes gears. I actually don't know what he drives or if it's a standard or an automatic.

When we danced, he didn't ask me to. He took my hand and said, "Let's dance." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I want him to lead when we dance. I'll let you know what happens, if we do go out.

Blue Moon and Dream Lovers

Sometimes there is electricity in the air between people. I have felt this recently. From across the room, across the table, and as we walked side by side, I felt it. This man is 15 years older than me. He's the perfect age for me in fantasy. He's confident and sexy. He's flirty and sexy. He's manly and sexy. Sexy, mmmm...

The thing is, I don't know if he's feeling this electric current that I feel or not. He seems to. He's flirting, and smiling, sometimes staring at me from across a room full of people. I am truly like a fish out of water. I am scared and excited, eager and reluctant.

He drinks Bud Light and so do I. I had dinner with him and his family recently. He cooked the entire meal. We had steaks, baked potatoes, cucumber salad, and zucchini. I drank the last Bud Light and he and another person at the table had Blue Moon beer with an orange slice. I had never tried Blue Moon. It looked delicious, maybe because he was drinking it. Damn, he's sexy...

So, I bought a six pack of it. It is good. My question is: Will he be as good as the Blue Moon? Will he be better? Or will he be a total disappointment? In my head, he's a very good lover. In fact, in my head, he's not only a good lover, but a good partner. However, we haven't even gone out on a date yet. I'd like to ask him out, but I have NEVER asked a guy out. I recently divorced. I've gotten all sorts of advice on when to date, and how to act. I've even received pointers on being submissive( which I enjoy being if the right man is involved), but not passive.

I am confused. Should things be so complicated? Should I be so scared? Maybe so. Maybe not. I imagine him being the guy that pushes me into being more than I ever thought possible. That's way too much to expect of a guy that I barely know. I imagine us sitting on the couch watching tv. My recently shaved legs stretched across his lap, as he touches them. My tattoo exposed on my upper, inner thigh. Of course it's a tattoo of his name. Haha. This Blue Moon is good stuff!

Blue Moon beer and dream lovers have to be tasted and sampled before a decision can be made. The beer was easy to try, but sampling him will be much more complicated. Here's another thing: I would not feel comfortable having sex with Mr. Sexy until I lose more weight. I have been walking and jogging nearly everyday since sometime in June. I have lost 18 pounds so far. I now weigh 182. That is still a lot, I know. But I am moving ahead with weight loss, Blue Moon, and dream lovers...

Shin splints, Sinatra, and moving on...

I have been walking or working out with "The Biggest Loser" Wii game almost daily. When I walk, I jog short intervals. I am able to jog more than when I started. I wake up early in the mornings to do this. I am really enjoying it now. When I started, it wasn't really fun. But now I feel empowered. Each day as I walk and jog, I feel more and more like I am gaining control of myself and my life. However, the past few days my shins have really been hurting. They hurt when I jog. So, I may have to do some different things.

Today I bought new running shoes. I have had the same pair of Nike's for nearly a year and they have had it. Today, I bought a brand I had never heard of. They are Ryka by Kelly Ripa. A friend and I went shoe shopping together today. He walked in, went to the shoes he has bought for the past five years, tried them on and bought them. I tried on at least a dozen different shoes, then I asked the salesman for some help. He suggested I try Ryka or Adidas. I tried them both on and finally made a decision. I hope it was a good one.

I drove for about three hours today in a rental car. This car had Sirius radio. At a friend's(different friend- the polar opposite of my shoe shopping friend) suggestion, I listened to the Seriously Sinatra station. I fell in love. Frank Sinatra is the man I need in my life. Almost all his songs were about how he is the man. He is in control, yet he will look out for his companion's needs and well-being. For years, I have been the one in control in the relationship. This made me resentful and very cynical to the prospect of love. I had taken on the mindset that I must rely on myself and not ask others for help, because that was always disappointing.

This sounds crazy, I know, but listening to Frank sing about how he's my "big and brave and handsome Romeo" makes me think it's possible. His songs are personal and very intimate. He had me at hello. Haha. I have wondered if it would be possible for me to give up control if I was in a relationship with the right guy. With my ex-husband, when I did give up control, and explain to him how I needed him to do more, to take more control, etc... he would. For a day or two. Then when I realized he didn't have it within himself to "man up" or stand up to me, I was always so bitterly disappointed. So I decided that not asking for anything, and doing everything on my own was what I needed to do.

My fantasy guy is confident, loving, and even demanding at times. When I test him, or try to see how far I can push him, I soon learn that he is who he says he is. He's strong and won't take a lot of my crap. Why is it that I want that in a guy? And is that who I really want? I believe it is. I mean, I've already had the relationship where I was in control and made all decisions. I hated it.

I didn't hear this song today in the car, but this evening I heard a song by Frank Sinatra called "I Like To Lead When I Dance". Damn, I want him to. Part of the lyrics are:

I like to lead when I dance.
I like to steer the car whenever I drive, and hold the door ajar when we arrive.
So if it's decided that this is romance, my sweet, I'll repeat in advance, I like to lead when I dance.

I like to lead when I dance.
When Adam bit the fruit, as fashions were then
He got that fig-leaf suit, for which. Amen.
So if it's decided I'm wearing the pants, then Eve, I'd say we've got romance.
I like to lead, I set the speed, I like to lead when I dance.
When I dance, when I dance, when I dance.

I believe what Frank is saying is that if you take him on, like you really believe you want to, you get all of him, and he is confident and in control. What's that, Frank? Oh ok, yeah, I get it. Yes, I understand. Wear the pants, lead when we dance, set the speed, whatever you want.

I will still test you to be sure you are capable of doing all that though. Don't let me down, Frank. I need a man to do all that. I need a man that will be all that.

I have decided to take my time in choosing shoes and men. I will not settle again, for inferior shoes or men. Pushing myself too hard without good shoes has caused shin pain. Pushing myself too hard without a good man has created a woman with far more complex issues. I'm working on the issues though. I am moving on, with shin pain, or not. I am moving on, hoping my Frank Sinatra is nearby. I am moving on...

here i am

Here I am. I'm not sure how many days it has been since my last post. I am still exercising and eating less. As of tonight, I weigh 190. 190 is a lot, I know. But that is 9 pounds less than what I weighed in last time. I am trying to figure out some new things to try.

I am thinking of taking dancing lessons. I have never been dancing. Sure, I've danced a few times at school dances and in small bars with men that didn't mind that I couldn't dance well. They probably didn't mind because they couldn't dance well either.

I just feel compelled to try something new, just for myself. Dancing, joining a shooting club, becoming a sex goddess, and taking a pottery class are some options. There are many opportunities out there...

Exercise, fantasies and finding myself

I exercised again tonight. Now this may seem like a boring subject, but I am really bad to neglect this part of my life. I am also bad about doing it for a short time, and then abandoning ship. I have exercised three days in a row. I have The Biggest Loser wii game. Jillian Michaels is a Dom, if I've ever seen one! haha That's what I need though.

As I exercise I fantasize about my future. I have no idea what the future holds. I mean, I'm not Dionne Warwick. :) However, I push myself by thinking of what it could be. Fantasies are great because they don't have to be based on reality at all. In reality, I am single. In my fantasies, I am not. But daily, my fantasy man changes. Sometimes he is gentle and sweet. Somedays, he's rough and hardcore. But he always makes me exercise! haha

See, with a real person, I can't change him to suit my whims. In my fantasy, I'm not torn between arguing with him and agreeing with him. I love to argue too much! This is just in certain areas though. I hate conflict, and go out of my way to keep things peaceful.

See what I mean about trying to find myself? I am a psycho! Oh well, I could be worse things.... :)

Who am I?

Who am I? That is what I am trying to figure out. It is sad perhaps, that I am still trying to figure it out. I am in my 30's, yet, most of the time I feel like I am about fifteen. You know when you are fifteen, you are very gullible and trying to fit in with others. Yeah, that's me.

The husband is gone, which is a good thing, in most ways. I have been exercising, which is good. I am tired of being overweight. I am thinking of putting my weight and amounts of exercise in this blog, just for accountability. I have let myself go. That's what people say. What does that mean? I have let myself go to pot? I have let myself go without while taking care of others? I don't know.

I know I gotta be careful. Dating seems like a very scary thing. I want to be touched though. I miss that. So, as of today I weigh 199. I exercised Monday and Tuesday.

I believe the attachment to my parents, with my father in particular, is best described as an avoidant attachment. That makes me feel guilty to even say that. My father believed in working hard and he felt others should do the same. However, he was very demanding of those around him. I have no memory of my father ever telling me that he loved me or that he was proud of anything I had accomplished. He either said nothing or criticized me. I remember once showing him a spelling test that I had made a 100% on and he asked if I could not have done any better. This was his form of teasing, but some encouragement or support along the way could have made a huge difference in how I felt about myself.

Another memory I have is of my high school English teacher, Mr. McCarty, sending my parents a postcard at the end of my junior year. He spoke of my great attitude and willingness to participate. He said I was a joy to have in class. I found this postcard in the junk drawer of the kitchen cabinet that summer. I remember reading it and knowing that what Mr. McCarty thought of me must not be true if my parents had not even told me about receiving the postcard. I threw it away. I threw away a Super Scholar’s plaque I received the same year.

Because of the avoidant attachment with my parents, I felt I had little value. I dated people who I felt I deserved. I dated a guy who had dropped out of school, and another that went to serve his sentence by going to jail on the weekends. I had no supervision as a teen. I had sex with men because I felt like I did not have the right to say no. When I dated, I gave myself away bit by bit, like a pile of sand that is carried away by the wind a few grains at a time.

I have been married for ten years. I married someone that I probably should not have. When he asked me to marry him, I felt the same way I did when I had sex with men that I did not particularly want to. I thought he was “good enough” for me. It has gotten more and more stressful as time has gone by. I have always had a difficult time with people being close to me. I hide my emotions and hurts and pretend I do not need much of anything.

I wish that I knew that I did have value and that I had the right to my own opinion when I dated. I also wish I would have known that I should not feel obligated to have sex because it was the “nice thing” to do. I remember as a teen giving in to peer pressure in many different aspects because I felt like what I wanted, truly did not matter. It is difficult to know what advice should be given to teens before they begin to date. I remember a few people trying to talk me out of dating a certain person or about marrying my husband. I felt like they meant well, but they did not understand that the right guy would never want me. I settled.

This is ironic, but the line I would not allow guys I dated to cross, was them speaking negatively about themselves. I encouraged each person I dated. I tried to convince them they had good qualities. One guy I dated listened to negative self-image type music continuously. We always argued over what music to listen to. I repeatedly told him that listening to all those songs that reinforced his aversion to himself was not healthy. Was I attracted to men who had poor self-esteem because of my own self-deprecation?

Something I wrote tonight

I was listening to Guy Clark tonight and I wrote this.

I could not get over how much you looked like the pictures I had seen of your dad. Before, you were confident and fatherly. You were vibrant and the life of the party. You threw all the parties. You toked it up and drank until everyone else left or passed out. You gave advice and people listened. You deserved respect and it was given, not because it was demanded, but because of your character.

Afterwards, you seemed to have lost your confidence. Instead of a father figure, you seemed like a scared child in an old man’s body. I was scared seeing you like that. You were no longer the life of the party, dispensing advice like a psychologist. You were searching for answers. You were the one asking questions.

You were bitter. You went into hiding. You talked of putting up locked gates and privacy fences. You planted weeping willows all along the road. You put up blinds on the front porch. The parties stopped. You talked about yesterdays, regrets and remembrances. You talked about how no one came around anymore since there wasn’t free whiskey.

I think people didn’t come around not because of the lack of liquor, but because of changes in you. You didn’t consciously decide to change. We all knew that. Nonetheless, you changed. It scared us all when you asked us questions about the meaning of life. We were used to your rhetorical questions that helped to drive home your point.

Your character remained. The respect for you stayed. Maybe that is why people stayed away, out of respect for you. Life changes us. Fear changes us. Chemo changes us.

drinking beer,watching re-runs and blogging

What?? Someone I was "following" totally disappeared. She completely disappeared. She vanished from my list of blogs I follow. Where did she go? Should I care so much? When people vanish from blogs, it's like seeing a movie that doesn't reveal what happens at the end. I watch movies to see how they end. I want to know! I read blogs to see what's going on in people's lives.

The woman I was "following" had a teenage son. She was also in a bdsm relationship. This was new to her. She said she had finally found herself through this relationship. So now I wonder did the son happen upon her blog and was so deeply disturbed that she did away with the whole thing? Or another thought was did the whole relationship turn out to be crap, the guy a disappointment? Was he too domineering? Who knows? Not me. And the fact that I don't know really irks me.

I like reading blogs, blogs that belong to people that are doing things with their life. I feel as if my life is like when I get confused about how to take my truck out of 4-low. I know I have to put it in neutral, then 4-high, then 2 wheel drive. But I get confused so often when it's time to actually do it. I forget about it having to be in neutral, etc...

It seems like that's where I am now. It is like I have finally made it to the top of my long winding up-hill driveway, and I have pulled out onto the highway, needing to hurry up and put it in 2 wheel drive and here I am fumbling, trying to jerk the lever back before someone plows into me. I'm fumbling trying to remember the next step in moving ahead. Every year, as my birthday draws near I usually question what am I doing with my life? I wonder if my life is really helping anyone else's. It's not even near my b.d. and I am asking myself this question.

Now, here I am, in my basement, drinking beer, alone. I have class tomorrow to find out how badly I failed a test I took on Monday. What am I doing with my life? I had an interview today. Four people questioned me and commended me on how great I am doing balancing so many things. I was questioned about my support system, and I tried to divert the question. I did not want to answer it. I was forced to answer it. Right after I was told what a great job I was doing I was told they were worried about me. Life is complicated. I was asked what I did for fun. I did not have an answer. I told them a half-truth, which was accepted. But I seriously don't know what I do for fun.

How many of us go out and do things just for fun? I really don't. Is that sad or how life is for most people? Even if it is how it is for most people, does that make it ok? So tonight, I am drinking beer(only 3 so I don't feel bad tomorrow),watching re-runs, and blogging. Not so fun. I need direction. Not just on what to do for fun, but direction with my life in general. Well the dryer stopped, time to re-load it...

lack of caffeine and doing what they say can't be done

I am tired. I have tried to stop drinking pop, but I don't like who I am without it. I need the caffeine. It helps me be me. It's an addiction, I know. But one I enjoy. So anyway, I haven't written in awhile. My life has been pretty much status quo. Maybe if I drink more pop, I'll have the energy to do something new. :)

I took my second biology test today. It was baaaad. I'll find out my grade in a few days. The last one I made a 68 on. Many people in the class did poorly. After he gave us those tests back, he said some of us might have a learning disability, but we had to deal with it. Today I saw him in the hallway after class, we were talking and I said, "Maybe I do have a learning disability." He said, "Maybe you do." hahaha
We'll see what I made on it.

I am not wavering in my decision to divorce, but I am tired. It's exhausting living with someone you don't really like, or respect, who doesn't like or respect you. Living a facade is debilitating. I long for the days when I have peace in my home. I know no matter who lives in a house, things aren't always going to be great. But I have needs(lots of needs).

I read a blog today about moves from porn you should never try. I want to defy those rules. Well, not all of them, but some. As I read them, I thought, no wait, that's possible. That's exciting. I actually like that.

I am still moving on, just very s-l-o-w-l-y.

"gunning for a fight"

I was truly gunning for a fight tonight. Not a fistfight or a duel with pistols at high noon, but an argument. My family is making me angry. Well, not all of them, but my older brother especially is. He has been talking smack about me. To my face? No. Behind my back? Indeed.

I can't tell him that he's a __________, because then he would know that someone told me what he said. So, I called him, invited him to something that I'm having in March. Something major. Something important. He said he'd try to come, etc... word word word.

I was waiting for him to say something harsh or out of the way. I was very calm. I was going to calmly tell him off. But I didn't get the chance. I was so disappointed about that. He thinks I am a bad person because I am going to get a divorce. He is an ____. He's judgemental and mean. Well, behind my back, anyway.

I talked to a friend tonight. I told her I wanted to have an affair and drink beer. Affairs are never a good thing to put on the agenda, I know. But it would be an escape. What are my escapes now? Food and self-induced orgasms. That's not a really healthy combination either. When I am alone, I have several orgasms. When I am around others, I eat. I'm not going to have an affair, btw. I was just ranting.

I sometimes wonder if I am a nymphomaniac. I have some of the symptoms.

Truckers, continued...

OK, so I was thinking of another trucker today. I didn't have sex with this one though. :) I used to work in a convenience store in a rural area. Local truckers came in several times a day. I was married at the time. I was tempted to have an affair with one trucker. His handle? "Undertaker". He flirted with me. I flirted with him. He told me lots of fun things that girls like to hear. He was a charmer. He would come in the store and buy a cold drink, and have his hat turned backwards. I asked him once why he was called "Undertaker",and he leaned over the counter and whispered that he would be the last one to let me down. He was zealous in his pursuit, which is always a turn on.

I'm thankful I didn't cross the line. He had an affair. It just wasn't with me. See, that's the thing. It turns out he did let me down. He wasn't just after me. And when this other lady's husband found out, they divorced. It started a chain reaction that wasn't very pleasant. What was disappointing was that he told said nice things about me that were hard to believe. Then I find out they were lines he used on other women.

Donkey and Undertaker were both truckers, truckers that I let roll on. I am glad they did roll on. OK, so I have a fascination for truckers. But I am not looking to hook up with a strong, confident man simply because he's a trucker. I want someone who loves sex too. Sex is the area it would be great if he was very needy in. Needy and knowledgable. I heard a new song by Young Money called "Bedrock". Part of the chorus is this: My Room Is The G Spot, Call Me Mr. Flintstone, I Can Make Your Bed Rock. I'd like to visit there. I'm just saying.

I need the complete package deal. Is that guy out there? And if he is, will he find me? These are just some late night ramblings. Loneliness seems to get worse at night, like a sore throat. Always worse at night.

Valentine's Day 2010

Today was not pleasant... I was aggravated and aloof throughout the day until I saw heartbreak. Pain and loss are as much a part of life as anything else. But that doesn't mean it's easy.

Valentine Schmalentine

Each night I've been watching The Nanny. This week since it's almost VD, Fran Drescher who played Fran Fine on the series is hosting the marathon of re-runs. I love this show. The butler, Niles, is hilarious. But the main point of the show is for Mr. Sheffield to fall for Fran, and then to make a commitment to her. She is determined that he will come around, and of course, he does. As corny and unrealistic as it is, I love it.

I'd like to fast forward through tomorrow and hit play on Monday morning. Valentine's Day can be depressing without someone to love. But if we really look around, hopefully we do have people to love and who love us back. Our children, friends, family, and co-workers won't take the place of a significant other. However, they'll be there for us throughout various stages of our lives. Anyway, I'm trying not to allow VD to weaken me.

As I walked by the couch today, my husband slightly reached out his hand toward me. I pulled my hand in towards me as I walked by. It was tempting just to touch his hand. But then that will just delay the flight plan. The fight-or-flight response is the body's response to a threat. I must remember that, and that in any way letting him perceive that there is hope for our relationship is just another flight delay.

I bought him nothing for tomorrow. My son told me my husband bought me a heart shaped box of chocolates. Seriously, I have been straight forward. I have not mumbled. But he still doesn't want to grasp this situation. I plan on taking the kids and leaving for as much time as possible tomorrow. This situation is just not easy.

I heard a great song this week though. It's by Alicia Keys. A song about pressing forward, being strong, no matter what comes. The chorus is this:

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

We have to be strong even when we don't feel like it. Even when our lives are hard and lonely, we must be strong. Gotta keep moving on...

Where to start? Things are getting a bit rougher here. The husband is drinking quite a bit, and making snide comments often. He's even been reviewing the web history to see what I've been looking up on-line. Each day I seem to grow a little more weary and yet, a little more determined to move ahead with the divorce.

I should do more homework, but I am taking a break. I am taking my trashy romance novel and taking a steaming hot bubble bath. There's something sensuous about a bubble bath. Remember when you ran my bath? Then you added the bubbles and called my name, telling me it was ready. I got in and bathed, you helped me shave(you know), and washed my hair. Hmmmmm...

Then you rubbed me down with the towel, drying me. Then... oh no, my bad, that was Fantasy Man.

Mattress Drama

I am tired. My back aches. I need a bed to sleep in. I'm exhausted from living in the same house with a man I no longer love. A divorce is my goal. I don't know what will happen after that. I know most people will think I am evil. That cannot stop me. I need a bed. I need peace in my own home.

He sleeps in the bed every night. He never offers to take the couch. I cannot sleep in the same bed as him. I do not want him to touch me, or really to talk to me. I just want out. I woke up last night and was so uncomfortable that I got in bed with my daughter in her twin sized bed. I slept on my side. lol Not so cozy. Anyway, this morning he wakes me up.

He stands beside the bed gently shaking me, saying, go get in our bed. I said, no,I'm fine. I would rather do many unspeakable things than to admit to him that I am in pain, or would really like to have the bed. Not having the bed just reminds me daily of the goal. After he tried to get me to go to the other bed, he touched my face and told me he missed me.

I said nothing. I wanted to lash out and say mean things to him. But, I don't want to be mean, I just want him to go on his merry way. His touch made my skin crawl. I am done. I am moving ahead with this. After he left for work, I got up and went to the other bed. I thought it would feel good. It was comfortable, but it smelled like him. His scent was on the pillows and sheets. It was on the quilt we were given as a moving gift last year.

I remember when I was young, my mom would "sun" the mattresses every spring. She would drag her mattress out on the front porch, lean it against the columns of the porch and let it set for awhile. Then she would turn it. I'm not sure why she did this. Maybe it was supposed to kill dust mites, air it out, I really don't know. I recall many times helping her drag it out there.

My mattress like my life needs to be sunned. It is hard to do alone though. Divorce proceedings, like mattresses are heavy things. Both can be carried out without much support, but both are much easier when the load is lightened a bit by people that want to help. I am thankful for the people I have in my life that are supportive.

Now I just need a good supportive mattress...

Balance and complications

I bought a book yesterday. Should I be reading random books? No, I should not. I should be studying in all my spare time. I should be writing papers and trying to figure out what it is college professors are talking about. But I bought a book, a trashy historical romance novel. The kind of read that makes you excited and ready, dreamy and a little out of breath.

Why do we love these books? Is it because the lead man in them reminds us of our husbands? No. Is it because sex that is described in detail is the kind of sex we're having? No. Is it because we want to be married to that guy in the book and have some of that great sex that ALWAYS results in at least one orgasm? Yes.

The leading man in all historical romance novels is pretty much the same. He's confident, to the point of arrogant. In the beginning of the story, he's the enemy of the leading lady. She doesn't like him at all. He irks her or infuriates her. Then, somehow, someway, she has to rely on him for something even though she hates him. Or for the good of her family she has to depend on him to take care of her. Sometimes she is humiliated because of this dependence, but not to worry, over time she loves him with her entire being.

I remember reading a book like this years ago, in high school. I forget the title though. My friend recommended it to me. Her cousin gave it to her. I passed it along to another friend. It was about a group of Indians that kidnapped a group of women. Of course, the leading man was the chief's son. He was built. He was independantly wealthy. He spoke English. The woman he took hated him and wanted to escape, but then he was such a good man, she fell in love with him. I remember him saying to someone that he didn't want to break her spirit, but he wanted her to learn self-control. Ahhhhhh... lol

We want that guy. That's Fantasy Man. We want the guy that doesn't want to break our spirits or take pieces of us a little at a time until we're not sure who we are anymore. That's a great quality to have in Fantasy Man. Another great quality he has is that he isn't going to accept disrespect towards him or self-defeating behavior from 'his woman'.

Does that guy really exist? Would we really want that guy if we had the chance to have him? I'm not sure. Like so many things in life, it's complicated. We all have varying fantasies. But seriously, do we know anyone who ends up with that guy? My friend, Beth, that I loaned the book to, had the boyfriend with the black leather jacket. He had homemade tattoos and had already been to juvie. He drank quite a bit.

What happened to that book that we loved and recommended to our friends? Well, Beth's boyfriend came to her house, he'd been drinking and wanted to fight. He tore up the book. Was he jealous of Fantasy Man? I don't know. He was hot in that leather jacket, though.

I have to find a balance between studying/homework and reading for fun. Balance is important. We have to find balance between fantasy and reality. We must keep working on this, and keep moving on...

letting go and not whining in the rain

I was driving home today(about an hour drive). I heard Elvis singing "Kentucky Rain". It's a song about him(the singer) looking for his love who left him. Apparently, he has no car because he's walking around Kentucky looking for her, getting a ride with a preacher who he tells his troubles to. It made me wonder why anyone would leave Elvis. I mean he was so freakin hot. Confident. Controlling. Choosing Priscila's clothes and hair-do's. Sounds great. But then I thought well, maybe it was about his woman leaving him after he got all crazy,overweight, and addicted to drugs. That's not so hot.

OK, so I realize Elvis didn't write this song. Eddie Rabbit and Dick Heard wrote it. What? Yes, Dick Heard, that's his real name I suppose. Anyway, she left. He says he doesn't know why she'd run. What she's running to or from. All he wants to do is bring her home. So off he goes in the cold Kentucky rain to find her. Could he be more pitiful? No. I don't think so. My advice would be the same advice Garth gave Stacy in "Wayne's World", which was, "Just get over it and go out with somebody else."

That's not always easy. There have been a few guys that it was hard for me to move on after being with. My trucker friend and Dan. I was very young and naive then though. I hadn't completed the wall around myself yet. I am divorcing soon. I am scared of what I will be like when I am single. I have made many mistakes in my past. I hope I have learned from them. In the past I have slept with men who I felt were better than me, so when they wanted to have sex, of course, I couldn't say no. I have also slept with men who I felt bad for, I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so I had sex with.

There have been a few times I truly wanted to. My trucker friend. Dan. Some counseling is probably in order. Or have I learned that I can say no? I do have more self confidence than I used to, but not really a healthy dose of it. I have to be sure before I plunge into something. Sex without commitment is always regrettable. Most of the time for me anyway.

Moving on, as scary as it is...

putting on pants even when you don't feel like it

I have a cold and a very sore throat. It is days like this that I don't feel like moving on. It is days like these that I don't feel like I can change the world.(sorry Asia, normally Days Like These is a theme song of mine) Today is a day when I want to stay in bed and have hot tea brought to me, or maybe just someone who notices I am sick. I'm tired of being tough, and "wearing the pants". I want to be held and cry, and be told everything will be alright.

I don't want to be held by my husband though. OK, that sounds bad, doesn't it? Yesterday, I was getting ready for church, and he said, "It's Sunday. Can't we at least hug?" I said nothing but gave him a side hug. He said, "It feels so good just to be touched by you." It was an awkward hug. I am an awkward hugger anyway. lol

I said nothing to him though. It was quick, but it wasn't painless. I felt resentment and was sickened by his touch. My mind went to a poem I have read by Ruth Eisennberg about Jocasta and Laius(the parents of Oedipus). One line speaks of her husband's touch after all they'd been through. It was this:

Her husband's arm a bent dry stick.

Anyway, I'm better now. Time to put on my pants and get on with my day.

truckers and stereotyping in general

Truckers seem to be manly. What does manly mean exactly? Does manly mean being strong and confident? Or does it mean you chew tobacco and swallow the juice and wear red suspenders everywhere you go? That would depend on the trucker.

Wow. I was just thinking of what I should talk about next and I had a flashback of when I was 16. I was 'in love' with a trucker. Was I in love with a trucker? No.I guess not. But I truly believe that was the closest I have been to being in love. He was older than me. Obviously. We had sex a few times. I was soooo naive. He made me anxious. I actually shook when I was around him. Especially when we were about to have sex. I remember shaking and he asked me if I was nervous. I said, "No. Just a little cold." Did he know I was lying? Of course he did. He was very experienced. I was not. If we were skiers, I would be on the bunny slope and he would have been an Olympic skier. If we were car drivers, I would have been in the bumper cars at the county fair and he would have been a Nascar race car driver.

His trucker handle was... "Donkey". Hmmm... He was confident, very confident. He was strong. He looked good. He was manly. He didn't wear suspenders or trucker hats or chew tobacco. He excited me. He taught me many things. Lots of things. lol Sometimes he was an ass, but I think that was because he didn't want me to think we were going to have a 'happily ever after'.

He seemed like such a stud, a take charge kind of guy. Is that why I'm still fantasizing about truckers and take charge kind of guys? Gosh. See, fantasy IS better than reality. You know why? Because now he's married and he's a wimp. Well, that's my opinion anyway. But maybe he isn't such a strong confident person with his wife because she isn't sixteen and naive. From the outside looking in, he isn't so confident now. I've really only seen them together about 4 times. I am friends with his sister though and she tells me things. His wife decides everything. He's depressed and unhappy.

Why aren't they happy? Why am I not happy in my relationship? Here's the thing: to be happy, I think we need someone who loves and understands us, even accepts us. That does not mean, however, that we agree with everything our partner thinks or says. When one partner gives up too much of themselves to the other person, life loses some of the spark. The reality of dire straights is never pretty. What happened to the fantasy where life was going to be wonderful?

What happens when our fantasies and dreams never happen? Langston Hughes wrote different poems about dreams. One he simply calls Dreams. It is this:

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

What happens to our dreams? Better yet, what happens to us when we stop dreaming? I believe we begin to atrophy. We should believe in hope. Hope in truckers,no, maybe not. Hope in individuals that can make our fantasies a reality seems like a much better plan. And hope that somewhere there are couples who figure this out.

worthless?

I heard a new song that I love. It's by Orianthi. It's called "According to You". Here's a link to the song and video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu1aQvm5MrU So anyway, this song is all about two different men's perspectives on the same woman. According to one guy, she's stupid and useless, etc. According to another guy, she's beautiful and incredible. It's a great song and I think I like it so much because it speaks to me about where I am in my life now.

Well, except I don't have the second guy yet. But I think he's out there. Here's where I am. I am married, soon to be divorced. I have been straight forward and honest with my husband. I am finished. He, however is being as manipulative as ever. Sunday he talked to someone, he told them I was worthless. Worthless? That's what he said.

Monday morning he woke me up before he went to work, asking me if I was ok. He told me he loved me and was hoping for a miracle. I didn't say much. I wanted to ask him why he wanted to stay with a worthless woman. But I'm not going there. I'm just waiting, biding my time. I was in JROTC in high school. I remember learning to mark time. Marching in place, legs moving without going forward. That's what I am doing now. Soon it will happen. A few of the circumstances of my life have to catch up with me as I mark time. Then we are marching on.

more on the theology of The Wizard of Oz

In the former post, I talked about Dorothy. I talked about how she had the power to go home all
along. But what about Scarecrow, Cowardly Lion, and Tin Man? They all made their way to the
wizard. They were all rejected by the wizard. They prevailed. They came back. They rebounded.
Then they told the wizard what they wanted. They shared their deepest wishes with the wizard.
What was on their wish list? Scarecrow: a brain; Cowardly Lion: courage; Tin Man: a heart. Did
they get their wishes granted? Not really. They benefited from the placebo effect. The "great
and powerful Oz" tried to tell them that they already had all these things. He tried to tell them
these were things that were internal and not things you could get externally. Did they listen? No. It went over their heads and they just repeated their wish lists. So to pacify them, he gave them
the illusion of what they asked for. He gave the Scarecrow an honorary degree of thinkology. He
gave the Lion a badge of courage. He gave the Tin Man a heart shaped clock on a lanyard that he
could wear around his neck.
If we're looking for brains, courage or heart, we must look inside. I have been like all three of
these characters. I have felt like I wasn't smart enough to go back to college. I went back and
have made A's and B's. I have lacked courage in many areas of my life. I try to avoid conflict as
much as is humanly possible. This has many times created more problems for me than if I had
faced the problem right off the bat. This is something I must work on. Heart troubles are
different. I think sometimes we can be too empathetic. Is this possible? I am thinking yes. We
should love and care for our neighbors and fellow man (male and female). However, sometimes
we do this so much that we forget we have needs. Or we notice we have needs but decide we'll
take care of our own needs later on. Then somehow, we never do.
Instead of waiting for a wizard to tell us to look inwardly for what we need, we need to work on
figuring it out on our own. And like Dorothy, Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man........ we wouldn't listen anyway.

How many of us are insecure about some areas of our lives? Lots. How many of us are insecure about almost all areas of our lives? Lots. Fear of the unknown holds us back. Fear of how people will react toward us prevents us from doing some monumental things. Fear cripples us. We must forge ahead, through the fear, through the reactions of those that judge us. I have been chained up for years, like a dog tied to his dog house. The dog can only go so far and then goes back to his house. The dog sometimes gets excited when a car goes by or he sees something he'd like to check out that is beyond the length of his chain. He goes for it. He runs forward and is abruptly halted when the slack in the chain is gone. The chain is pulled tight and sometimes the dog keeps trying to plunge ahead. It's all to no avail though. At the end of the day, the dog is still tied.

It is amazing to me that I have been chained all this time, and then come to realize I have had the power to get out of the chains throughout these years. The key to the handcuffs was hidden in a safe place the whole time. It was even within my reach. I just forgot that I had the power to use the key. It is kind of like Dorothy in 'The Wizard of Oz'. After all her trials and persucutions, her struggles to go home, the good witch tells Dorothy,"Click your heels together three times and say There's no place like home." She then tells Dorothy that she has had the power to go home the whole time. Dorothy asks the good witch why she hadn't told her that before. The good witch then replies, "You wouldn't have believed me."

Sometimes it is because of our insecurities that we have to learn things the hard way. People may say nice things to us. They may speak words of encouragement, but it is hard to grasp what people are saying. It's like when you're between sleep and being awake and someone tells you something. You heard a mumbling. You know they said something to you, but, for the life of you, you can't figure out what they just said. We struggle. We pull the chain tight. we face the wicked witches and the man behind the curtain who made us believe he was a wizard. Then we remember, "Oh yeah, I've got the key to get out of this." I have insecurities. Lots of them. But I am moving on.