"gunning for a fight"

I was truly gunning for a fight tonight. Not a fistfight or a duel with pistols at high noon, but an argument. My family is making me angry. Well, not all of them, but my older brother especially is. He has been talking smack about me. To my face? No. Behind my back? Indeed.

I can't tell him that he's a __________, because then he would know that someone told me what he said. So, I called him, invited him to something that I'm having in March. Something major. Something important. He said he'd try to come, etc... word word word.

I was waiting for him to say something harsh or out of the way. I was very calm. I was going to calmly tell him off. But I didn't get the chance. I was so disappointed about that. He thinks I am a bad person because I am going to get a divorce. He is an ____. He's judgemental and mean. Well, behind my back, anyway.

I talked to a friend tonight. I told her I wanted to have an affair and drink beer. Affairs are never a good thing to put on the agenda, I know. But it would be an escape. What are my escapes now? Food and self-induced orgasms. That's not a really healthy combination either. When I am alone, I have several orgasms. When I am around others, I eat. I'm not going to have an affair, btw. I was just ranting.

I sometimes wonder if I am a nymphomaniac. I have some of the symptoms.

Truckers, continued...

OK, so I was thinking of another trucker today. I didn't have sex with this one though. :) I used to work in a convenience store in a rural area. Local truckers came in several times a day. I was married at the time. I was tempted to have an affair with one trucker. His handle? "Undertaker". He flirted with me. I flirted with him. He told me lots of fun things that girls like to hear. He was a charmer. He would come in the store and buy a cold drink, and have his hat turned backwards. I asked him once why he was called "Undertaker",and he leaned over the counter and whispered that he would be the last one to let me down. He was zealous in his pursuit, which is always a turn on.

I'm thankful I didn't cross the line. He had an affair. It just wasn't with me. See, that's the thing. It turns out he did let me down. He wasn't just after me. And when this other lady's husband found out, they divorced. It started a chain reaction that wasn't very pleasant. What was disappointing was that he told said nice things about me that were hard to believe. Then I find out they were lines he used on other women.

Donkey and Undertaker were both truckers, truckers that I let roll on. I am glad they did roll on. OK, so I have a fascination for truckers. But I am not looking to hook up with a strong, confident man simply because he's a trucker. I want someone who loves sex too. Sex is the area it would be great if he was very needy in. Needy and knowledgable. I heard a new song by Young Money called "Bedrock". Part of the chorus is this: My Room Is The G Spot, Call Me Mr. Flintstone, I Can Make Your Bed Rock. I'd like to visit there. I'm just saying.

I need the complete package deal. Is that guy out there? And if he is, will he find me? These are just some late night ramblings. Loneliness seems to get worse at night, like a sore throat. Always worse at night.

Valentine's Day 2010

Today was not pleasant... I was aggravated and aloof throughout the day until I saw heartbreak. Pain and loss are as much a part of life as anything else. But that doesn't mean it's easy.

Valentine Schmalentine

Each night I've been watching The Nanny. This week since it's almost VD, Fran Drescher who played Fran Fine on the series is hosting the marathon of re-runs. I love this show. The butler, Niles, is hilarious. But the main point of the show is for Mr. Sheffield to fall for Fran, and then to make a commitment to her. She is determined that he will come around, and of course, he does. As corny and unrealistic as it is, I love it.

I'd like to fast forward through tomorrow and hit play on Monday morning. Valentine's Day can be depressing without someone to love. But if we really look around, hopefully we do have people to love and who love us back. Our children, friends, family, and co-workers won't take the place of a significant other. However, they'll be there for us throughout various stages of our lives. Anyway, I'm trying not to allow VD to weaken me.

As I walked by the couch today, my husband slightly reached out his hand toward me. I pulled my hand in towards me as I walked by. It was tempting just to touch his hand. But then that will just delay the flight plan. The fight-or-flight response is the body's response to a threat. I must remember that, and that in any way letting him perceive that there is hope for our relationship is just another flight delay.

I bought him nothing for tomorrow. My son told me my husband bought me a heart shaped box of chocolates. Seriously, I have been straight forward. I have not mumbled. But he still doesn't want to grasp this situation. I plan on taking the kids and leaving for as much time as possible tomorrow. This situation is just not easy.

I heard a great song this week though. It's by Alicia Keys. A song about pressing forward, being strong, no matter what comes. The chorus is this:

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am
Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman

We have to be strong even when we don't feel like it. Even when our lives are hard and lonely, we must be strong. Gotta keep moving on...

Where to start? Things are getting a bit rougher here. The husband is drinking quite a bit, and making snide comments often. He's even been reviewing the web history to see what I've been looking up on-line. Each day I seem to grow a little more weary and yet, a little more determined to move ahead with the divorce.

I should do more homework, but I am taking a break. I am taking my trashy romance novel and taking a steaming hot bubble bath. There's something sensuous about a bubble bath. Remember when you ran my bath? Then you added the bubbles and called my name, telling me it was ready. I got in and bathed, you helped me shave(you know), and washed my hair. Hmmmmm...

Then you rubbed me down with the towel, drying me. Then... oh no, my bad, that was Fantasy Man.

Mattress Drama

I am tired. My back aches. I need a bed to sleep in. I'm exhausted from living in the same house with a man I no longer love. A divorce is my goal. I don't know what will happen after that. I know most people will think I am evil. That cannot stop me. I need a bed. I need peace in my own home.

He sleeps in the bed every night. He never offers to take the couch. I cannot sleep in the same bed as him. I do not want him to touch me, or really to talk to me. I just want out. I woke up last night and was so uncomfortable that I got in bed with my daughter in her twin sized bed. I slept on my side. lol Not so cozy. Anyway, this morning he wakes me up.

He stands beside the bed gently shaking me, saying, go get in our bed. I said, no,I'm fine. I would rather do many unspeakable things than to admit to him that I am in pain, or would really like to have the bed. Not having the bed just reminds me daily of the goal. After he tried to get me to go to the other bed, he touched my face and told me he missed me.

I said nothing. I wanted to lash out and say mean things to him. But, I don't want to be mean, I just want him to go on his merry way. His touch made my skin crawl. I am done. I am moving ahead with this. After he left for work, I got up and went to the other bed. I thought it would feel good. It was comfortable, but it smelled like him. His scent was on the pillows and sheets. It was on the quilt we were given as a moving gift last year.

I remember when I was young, my mom would "sun" the mattresses every spring. She would drag her mattress out on the front porch, lean it against the columns of the porch and let it set for awhile. Then she would turn it. I'm not sure why she did this. Maybe it was supposed to kill dust mites, air it out, I really don't know. I recall many times helping her drag it out there.

My mattress like my life needs to be sunned. It is hard to do alone though. Divorce proceedings, like mattresses are heavy things. Both can be carried out without much support, but both are much easier when the load is lightened a bit by people that want to help. I am thankful for the people I have in my life that are supportive.

Now I just need a good supportive mattress...

Balance and complications

I bought a book yesterday. Should I be reading random books? No, I should not. I should be studying in all my spare time. I should be writing papers and trying to figure out what it is college professors are talking about. But I bought a book, a trashy historical romance novel. The kind of read that makes you excited and ready, dreamy and a little out of breath.

Why do we love these books? Is it because the lead man in them reminds us of our husbands? No. Is it because sex that is described in detail is the kind of sex we're having? No. Is it because we want to be married to that guy in the book and have some of that great sex that ALWAYS results in at least one orgasm? Yes.

The leading man in all historical romance novels is pretty much the same. He's confident, to the point of arrogant. In the beginning of the story, he's the enemy of the leading lady. She doesn't like him at all. He irks her or infuriates her. Then, somehow, someway, she has to rely on him for something even though she hates him. Or for the good of her family she has to depend on him to take care of her. Sometimes she is humiliated because of this dependence, but not to worry, over time she loves him with her entire being.

I remember reading a book like this years ago, in high school. I forget the title though. My friend recommended it to me. Her cousin gave it to her. I passed it along to another friend. It was about a group of Indians that kidnapped a group of women. Of course, the leading man was the chief's son. He was built. He was independantly wealthy. He spoke English. The woman he took hated him and wanted to escape, but then he was such a good man, she fell in love with him. I remember him saying to someone that he didn't want to break her spirit, but he wanted her to learn self-control. Ahhhhhh... lol

We want that guy. That's Fantasy Man. We want the guy that doesn't want to break our spirits or take pieces of us a little at a time until we're not sure who we are anymore. That's a great quality to have in Fantasy Man. Another great quality he has is that he isn't going to accept disrespect towards him or self-defeating behavior from 'his woman'.

Does that guy really exist? Would we really want that guy if we had the chance to have him? I'm not sure. Like so many things in life, it's complicated. We all have varying fantasies. But seriously, do we know anyone who ends up with that guy? My friend, Beth, that I loaned the book to, had the boyfriend with the black leather jacket. He had homemade tattoos and had already been to juvie. He drank quite a bit.

What happened to that book that we loved and recommended to our friends? Well, Beth's boyfriend came to her house, he'd been drinking and wanted to fight. He tore up the book. Was he jealous of Fantasy Man? I don't know. He was hot in that leather jacket, though.

I have to find a balance between studying/homework and reading for fun. Balance is important. We have to find balance between fantasy and reality. We must keep working on this, and keep moving on...

letting go and not whining in the rain

I was driving home today(about an hour drive). I heard Elvis singing "Kentucky Rain". It's a song about him(the singer) looking for his love who left him. Apparently, he has no car because he's walking around Kentucky looking for her, getting a ride with a preacher who he tells his troubles to. It made me wonder why anyone would leave Elvis. I mean he was so freakin hot. Confident. Controlling. Choosing Priscila's clothes and hair-do's. Sounds great. But then I thought well, maybe it was about his woman leaving him after he got all crazy,overweight, and addicted to drugs. That's not so hot.

OK, so I realize Elvis didn't write this song. Eddie Rabbit and Dick Heard wrote it. What? Yes, Dick Heard, that's his real name I suppose. Anyway, she left. He says he doesn't know why she'd run. What she's running to or from. All he wants to do is bring her home. So off he goes in the cold Kentucky rain to find her. Could he be more pitiful? No. I don't think so. My advice would be the same advice Garth gave Stacy in "Wayne's World", which was, "Just get over it and go out with somebody else."

That's not always easy. There have been a few guys that it was hard for me to move on after being with. My trucker friend and Dan. I was very young and naive then though. I hadn't completed the wall around myself yet. I am divorcing soon. I am scared of what I will be like when I am single. I have made many mistakes in my past. I hope I have learned from them. In the past I have slept with men who I felt were better than me, so when they wanted to have sex, of course, I couldn't say no. I have also slept with men who I felt bad for, I didn't want to hurt their feelings, so I had sex with.

There have been a few times I truly wanted to. My trucker friend. Dan. Some counseling is probably in order. Or have I learned that I can say no? I do have more self confidence than I used to, but not really a healthy dose of it. I have to be sure before I plunge into something. Sex without commitment is always regrettable. Most of the time for me anyway.

Moving on, as scary as it is...

putting on pants even when you don't feel like it

I have a cold and a very sore throat. It is days like this that I don't feel like moving on. It is days like these that I don't feel like I can change the world.(sorry Asia, normally Days Like These is a theme song of mine) Today is a day when I want to stay in bed and have hot tea brought to me, or maybe just someone who notices I am sick. I'm tired of being tough, and "wearing the pants". I want to be held and cry, and be told everything will be alright.

I don't want to be held by my husband though. OK, that sounds bad, doesn't it? Yesterday, I was getting ready for church, and he said, "It's Sunday. Can't we at least hug?" I said nothing but gave him a side hug. He said, "It feels so good just to be touched by you." It was an awkward hug. I am an awkward hugger anyway. lol

I said nothing to him though. It was quick, but it wasn't painless. I felt resentment and was sickened by his touch. My mind went to a poem I have read by Ruth Eisennberg about Jocasta and Laius(the parents of Oedipus). One line speaks of her husband's touch after all they'd been through. It was this:

Her husband's arm a bent dry stick.

Anyway, I'm better now. Time to put on my pants and get on with my day.