drinking beer,watching re-runs and blogging

What?? Someone I was "following" totally disappeared. She completely disappeared. She vanished from my list of blogs I follow. Where did she go? Should I care so much? When people vanish from blogs, it's like seeing a movie that doesn't reveal what happens at the end. I watch movies to see how they end. I want to know! I read blogs to see what's going on in people's lives.

The woman I was "following" had a teenage son. She was also in a bdsm relationship. This was new to her. She said she had finally found herself through this relationship. So now I wonder did the son happen upon her blog and was so deeply disturbed that she did away with the whole thing? Or another thought was did the whole relationship turn out to be crap, the guy a disappointment? Was he too domineering? Who knows? Not me. And the fact that I don't know really irks me.

I like reading blogs, blogs that belong to people that are doing things with their life. I feel as if my life is like when I get confused about how to take my truck out of 4-low. I know I have to put it in neutral, then 4-high, then 2 wheel drive. But I get confused so often when it's time to actually do it. I forget about it having to be in neutral, etc...

It seems like that's where I am now. It is like I have finally made it to the top of my long winding up-hill driveway, and I have pulled out onto the highway, needing to hurry up and put it in 2 wheel drive and here I am fumbling, trying to jerk the lever back before someone plows into me. I'm fumbling trying to remember the next step in moving ahead. Every year, as my birthday draws near I usually question what am I doing with my life? I wonder if my life is really helping anyone else's. It's not even near my b.d. and I am asking myself this question.

Now, here I am, in my basement, drinking beer, alone. I have class tomorrow to find out how badly I failed a test I took on Monday. What am I doing with my life? I had an interview today. Four people questioned me and commended me on how great I am doing balancing so many things. I was questioned about my support system, and I tried to divert the question. I did not want to answer it. I was forced to answer it. Right after I was told what a great job I was doing I was told they were worried about me. Life is complicated. I was asked what I did for fun. I did not have an answer. I told them a half-truth, which was accepted. But I seriously don't know what I do for fun.

How many of us go out and do things just for fun? I really don't. Is that sad or how life is for most people? Even if it is how it is for most people, does that make it ok? So tonight, I am drinking beer(only 3 so I don't feel bad tomorrow),watching re-runs, and blogging. Not so fun. I need direction. Not just on what to do for fun, but direction with my life in general. Well the dryer stopped, time to re-load it...