Shin splints, Sinatra, and moving on...

I have been walking or working out with "The Biggest Loser" Wii game almost daily. When I walk, I jog short intervals. I am able to jog more than when I started. I wake up early in the mornings to do this. I am really enjoying it now. When I started, it wasn't really fun. But now I feel empowered. Each day as I walk and jog, I feel more and more like I am gaining control of myself and my life. However, the past few days my shins have really been hurting. They hurt when I jog. So, I may have to do some different things.

Today I bought new running shoes. I have had the same pair of Nike's for nearly a year and they have had it. Today, I bought a brand I had never heard of. They are Ryka by Kelly Ripa. A friend and I went shoe shopping together today. He walked in, went to the shoes he has bought for the past five years, tried them on and bought them. I tried on at least a dozen different shoes, then I asked the salesman for some help. He suggested I try Ryka or Adidas. I tried them both on and finally made a decision. I hope it was a good one.

I drove for about three hours today in a rental car. This car had Sirius radio. At a friend's(different friend- the polar opposite of my shoe shopping friend) suggestion, I listened to the Seriously Sinatra station. I fell in love. Frank Sinatra is the man I need in my life. Almost all his songs were about how he is the man. He is in control, yet he will look out for his companion's needs and well-being. For years, I have been the one in control in the relationship. This made me resentful and very cynical to the prospect of love. I had taken on the mindset that I must rely on myself and not ask others for help, because that was always disappointing.

This sounds crazy, I know, but listening to Frank sing about how he's my "big and brave and handsome Romeo" makes me think it's possible. His songs are personal and very intimate. He had me at hello. Haha. I have wondered if it would be possible for me to give up control if I was in a relationship with the right guy. With my ex-husband, when I did give up control, and explain to him how I needed him to do more, to take more control, etc... he would. For a day or two. Then when I realized he didn't have it within himself to "man up" or stand up to me, I was always so bitterly disappointed. So I decided that not asking for anything, and doing everything on my own was what I needed to do.

My fantasy guy is confident, loving, and even demanding at times. When I test him, or try to see how far I can push him, I soon learn that he is who he says he is. He's strong and won't take a lot of my crap. Why is it that I want that in a guy? And is that who I really want? I believe it is. I mean, I've already had the relationship where I was in control and made all decisions. I hated it.

I didn't hear this song today in the car, but this evening I heard a song by Frank Sinatra called "I Like To Lead When I Dance". Damn, I want him to. Part of the lyrics are:

I like to lead when I dance.
I like to steer the car whenever I drive, and hold the door ajar when we arrive.
So if it's decided that this is romance, my sweet, I'll repeat in advance, I like to lead when I dance.

I like to lead when I dance.
When Adam bit the fruit, as fashions were then
He got that fig-leaf suit, for which. Amen.
So if it's decided I'm wearing the pants, then Eve, I'd say we've got romance.
I like to lead, I set the speed, I like to lead when I dance.
When I dance, when I dance, when I dance.

I believe what Frank is saying is that if you take him on, like you really believe you want to, you get all of him, and he is confident and in control. What's that, Frank? Oh ok, yeah, I get it. Yes, I understand. Wear the pants, lead when we dance, set the speed, whatever you want.

I will still test you to be sure you are capable of doing all that though. Don't let me down, Frank. I need a man to do all that. I need a man that will be all that.

I have decided to take my time in choosing shoes and men. I will not settle again, for inferior shoes or men. Pushing myself too hard without good shoes has caused shin pain. Pushing myself too hard without a good man has created a woman with far more complex issues. I'm working on the issues though. I am moving on, with shin pain, or not. I am moving on, hoping my Frank Sinatra is nearby. I am moving on...